Today I am going to the funeral of my cousin Andy. He died in a bodysurfing accident at the age of 54-way too young. The loss of Andy will be felt by so many people-friends and family alike. For a lucky group of people Andy’s death will change their lives forever, you see Andy was an organ donor. That is truly an amazing and life changing gift.
For me Andy’s death has brought back lots of memories and presents me with the opportunity to face some of my issues, first the obvious one-death. I have spent a lot of time and effort in therapy trying to find better, healthier ways to deal with death-not easy. I have lost so many people I love, including my husband. Because of that I had gotten to place where death would just cause me to shut down. When my husband died I buried my grief in an effort to survive and function, this was a mistake. Not dealing with his death contributed to my panic and anxiety, then my eventual agoraphobia. I tell everyone I know that the most important thing is to grieve and deal with it at the time or you will end up in therapy writing your life story and that sucks.
Second, I will be attending a funeral, something that I have not done since my husband died nearly 23 years ago. And by going I will be pushing my comfort zone once again and I will be seeing family I have not seen in many, many years. I don’t feel anxious (at least not yet) but I do feel a little nervous, I am not going to let that stop me from going. And the funeral is being held at the church where my husband I got married-yes, another issue.
I know it sounds funny to say this, but I am looking forward to attending the funeral. Separate from any issues I have, it is the opportunity to honor the life of a wonderful person who touched so many lives, including my own and will be greatly missed-that’s the reason I am so determined to go.