Month: August 2020

New Realizations…..

The topic on most people’s mind is the new reality, and it’s an appropriate subject. I think most of us are trying to figure out how to navigate the new reality, it’s certainly is not like life as we have known it.

For me it seems to also be a time to look at my life and see what changes may be necessary. Normally I wouldn’t take as much time to reflect on this, but these are not normal times. I have realized there are some things that need work.

The first new realization is I have a longtime relationship that I need to let go of, not an easy process. I haven’t talked to this person for a while, so I thought maybe I would just let it go that way. But then that didn’t feel right, besides I had some things I really wanted to say. I decided to write a letter, I learned that in therapy. I thought it would let me feel like I had said what I wanted to. I started writing and rewriting and rewriting until I felt like it reflected what I wanted to say. While I was working on the letter I wasn’t sure if I would mail, maybe writing would be enough. Once it was finished I decided to go ahead and mail it, which I did. It’s been about three weeks and I have been second guessing myself whether or not I should have sent it and whether or not it says what I think it does. I am the worst for overthinking things. But it’s done and there’s nothing I can do about, so I just have to let it go. If only it was that easy.

There are more realizations that I need to address, but I am going to take a break and do something else before I address any of them. This was a difficult process and not as freeing as I had thought it would be.

Life, Death and Perspective During A Pandemic

I think the pandemic is what most of us will remember about 2020. But for me, it will also be the year my brother-in-law died. He bravely fought stage 4 Glioblastoma cancer for 22 months, with all the dignity that cancer allows. He is caring, kind, compassionate and had a passion for life. Because of that, his career was a perfect fit, he was a psychiatrist at the VA treating PTSD patients.

I posted on my Facebook page about my brother-in-law’s death and I wrote that I will carry him in my heart forever, which I will. I got an interesting comment from a friend, she said it’s nice of you to say that, but she went on to say, most people just say that when someone dies. I thought her need to share that perspective was interesting. As someone who has dealt with a lot of loss, I’ve heard many unusual comments, but I usually chalk it up to people not knowing what to say. But this one felt more personal, like she was calling me out for how I feel and what I believe.

This idea of carrying loved ones that have passed with me is not something new, I have written about it before. I do believe that the loved ones I have lost are still with me and continue to move forward with me. I know that they are so much of who I am; good, bad and indifferent. I don’t understand how you could leave them behind, or why would you want to? As an example, there have been so many times over the years when I found strength in knowing my husband Robert is still with me, especially when things were bad with my son. In those bad times I would even feel someone touch my back and I believe it was him, that was something he did when he was here. I know that may sound crazy, but I do believe in signs.

As for my brother-in-law, I will be lucky to carry him in my heart, I would love to be more like him. I’m sure going forward I will continue to learn from him. I know there are many people who believe as I do, and probably just as many that don’t. I think it’s all about your personal experience and perspective.