Month: June 2019

Mile Markers and Grief

June 11th was the third anniversary of my son Robby’s death.  This day comes 6 days after his birthday, that’s still hard to process.  I find the special days like birthdays, holidays and anniversaries, are like mile markers on this journey called grief.  For me, I find myself traveling along, then the anxiety kicks in, I realize the date and I know what’s coming.  My most recent experience with this started in May, a month that brings my Mom’s birthday and ends with the anniversary of her death.  This is followed closely by Robby’s birthday on June 5th and, as I mentioned, his anniversary on the 11th.

I realize that the term mile markers might seem odd, it may be.  When I learned to drive being able to read a map was a necessity.  Most people carried folded maps in the glove box, and/or a Thomas Brothers map book.  An important part of reading a map was being sure where you were, that was the importance of the mile markers on the highways.   I have found that on this grief journey there are times when I’m not sure which way I am going and a mile marker would be helpful.  Then there have been times when it feels like there are too many markers and it becomes overwhelming.  There is no map or guide book for this journey.

I have come to believe two things, one is as long as you are moving that’s enough.  And two, the mile markers are love.  It’s the love that helps lead us in the right direction.  And I believe it’s the love that can help us survive this journey called grief.

Memories, Birthdays and New Realities

Memories are a funny thing, they can bring you great joy and can also represent great loss.  Over the past couple of weeks my thoughts have been full of memories of my husband, Robert.  I love the opportunity to get lost in the memories of our life together, but at some point the reality creeps back in that he is gone.   When he died my grandmother told me that people will tell you that time heals all wounds, but she said that time just lets you find a way to live with it.  She was right, he has been gone 28 years and I did find a way to live with it, but the pain of his loss is always right there.

Yesterday was my son’s birthday, the third one he hasn’t been here for, he would have been 34.  I was once again this year lost in my memories, photos and videos.  As always I posted photos on Facebook, but this year I included a video, it’s great to see the photo come to life.  I had thought that maybe this year I would be closer to finding a way to live with it, but no.  In some ways it has seemed harder this year.  I ordered his favorite cake and  I spent the day mostly alone, as I have the two previous years.

Which brings me back to the new reality, I am alone.  That’s not to say I don’t have friends, I do and they have become my ‘family’.  It was Robby and I for 25-1/2 years on our own after Robert’s death.  I was technically on my own, but Robby was there.  I find comfort knowing that Robby and his dad are together again and someday we will all be together.  But for now I have to find a way to deal with my newest reality, being alone.

Left Behind

I recently had a revelation (those just happen)!  All the years I was stuck in the house I felt like I was missing out on life.  It was as if someone pushed a pause button on my life.  My friends would talk about things they were doing and I wanted to do those things too.  But between my agoraphobia and taking care of Robby I never dreamed that I would have the opportunity to do things or go places with my friends.  But with therapy, my agoraphobia became more manageable and I started facing my fears.  The reward was being able to do more with Robby, not just the things that needed to be done, but also fun things like outings and even a day trip to San Diego.  This encouraged me to keep going, to keep pushing.  I even took dance classes for a while.

Now since Robby is gone I have a lot of time.  But I am realizing that while my life may have been on pause, life for everyone else keep going.  I have tried playing catch up, but that hasn’t worked.  I am finding that my friends have moved past so many things I had hoped to do.  So many things you would normally do with a friend, like shopping, I do by myself.  And I have come to realize that I am alone in what I want to do, like I didn’t already feel alone.

The revelation I had is that life has moved on and I was left behind.