‘Random’  feels like an appropriate word to use right now.  I have been feeling a lot of chaos in my life and that makes it hard for me to focus.  Life with my son was very structured, and while I don’t need that much structure I have become use to it.  The past few weeks have been……I don’t even know how to describe it!

First, was my  struggle with Social Security, which caused weeks of waiting and stressing and holding my breath.  I can update this one, I was approved based on terminal cancer, not the way I like to look at it.

Second, would be my car-talk about frustration and stress!  After weeks of repairs, tows, getting stranded and complete loss of confidence in my car I took it to the  dealership.  They were able to get to the bottom of it, I needed to rebuild the engine.  A friend had asked me about rebuilding the engine several weeks ago, I said no because I don’t have the kind of car that you rebuild.  Well apparently that was wrong, so after 19 days in the shop, 12 days of a rental car and just short of $4000 I have my car back.  It was shocking to me how I started to fall back into the agoraphobia mindset so quickly.  I went from feeling trapped at home to not wanted to leave in a matter of days.  Now I am trying to deal with the anxiety of ‘trusting’ the car again.

Third, on the 11th of April someone very close to me died.  We have been friends for over 27 years.  We have shared good times, bad times and survived more than a few challenges together.  I met her about a year after my husband died at a painting class.  I was struggling to deal with my husband’s death and she brought laughter back into my life.  I admired her dedication to her family and her ability to overcome many things.  It’s hard to believe she is gone, it feels strange and quiet.  Lisa, I will see you later.

Finally there is my apron project.  Last Christmas I made aprons for a few friends, that has become a way to hopefully make some money.  My Great Grandmother taught me how to cook, and how to wear an apron.  So I am making vintage style aprons that I hope will honor her and her memory.  I have several ideas of how and where I might be able to sell them, but I have needed a car to move forward on that.  I call them Gram C’s aprons and I have a hangtag designed for them and everyone comes with an old family recipe.  I hope this idea goes well.

So when you combine all these things with daily life it makes chaos.  So with some things resolved I am going to try to regain my focus and reduce my anxiety……we’ll see how that goes!