I often use that expression, it seems to me to be a good description of how life can feel. With that in mind, earlier this week I toured a facility for future placement for my son, Robby. I have fought most of his life to not place him, but with my cancer I have to make sure all the plans for him are in place. It was a very nice facility, it was clean, the nursing staff was friendly, they have a great retention rate with the staff, there are other younger patience like my son, lots of activities for all levels of function and they can provide the personal assistance he requires. All this was great to find, but there is one problem-I now have the visual image of Robby being in a facility and I am not dealing well with that. I know placement is not only the right option, but it is the only option and that finding the right place is very important to me and Robby. I realize there is no place that will be like home or provide the same kind of care he has received at home. So now I am waiting to here back from them about whether they can take his custom bed, it not only keeps him safe, but also gives him a piece of home to take with him.
I still have a couple more places to tour and then I will be so glad to have this done and just spend time with Robby. It will be great to put this project away, if only I could put away that image I have dreaded all these years and the anxiety/panic response that has followed seeing him in a facility. The most important thing is to find the right place that will provide for his needs. After that maybe the anxiety/panic will subside-although it will certainly be replaced with the next stressful thing……