Marching In Place – Page 4 – Living and Struggling with Agoraphobia

It’s Just Another New Year……

Well here we are at the beginning of another year. I wonder what this new year will bring. I don’t do resolutions, I gave those up a long time ago. But there are always things I am hopeful about at the beginning of a new year. There are the obvious things like good health, success, time with friends and family and happiness. There are other things I am hopeful for this year, I would LOVE to see my book published this year, I want to travel to Portland to see my family, I want to get my passport and make more memories with the people that I love.

The other thing the beginning of the new year represents for me is the beginning of another year without my heart, my Robby. I can’t believe he has been gone 2-1/2 years, it feels like forever and it feels like 5 minutes ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss my son, Robby. Now for the closest thing to a resolution I will make, this year I hope to find and understand my ‘new normal’. I know life will never be the same without Robby, so I have to make a new life, a new normal. That doesn’t mean leaving the past behind me, I carry my memories with me like precious cargo. It just means I need to figure out what my life will be going forward.

So I think I am ready to see what this year will bring…….hopefully ready.

Book Update

Well as I have posted about before, I am writing a book to tell my story about living with agoraphobia and the process of finding a way out. So right now I have been working a lot on the book. My cancer recurrence last year has motivated me to get it finish, I would hate to see it left unfinished. It’s funny, in the beginning I wasn’t sure I wanted to write a book. But the more I wrote the more it came to life and the more I want to see it in print. I have most chapters written and am editing them now. The rest of the chapters are outlined and ready to be written. The book was originally going to end with my first cancer, but at the suggestion of someone I trust that has changed. The book now will end with the death of my son, Robby. I am not looking forward to writing that chapter.

As part of the process of writing the book I have contacted people who are in the book or their likeness is in the book. It’s been interesting to me, some are very supportive of this project. But others don’t seem to believe that I am really writing a book. Well I guess they will be surprised when the book is published and released.

There have been obstacles along the way, the most recent one was keyboard failure. I like to go places and write, my favorite spot is the Chipotle at Seacliff Village in Huntington Beach. I linked my tablet to the cloud making my project portable. But two days ago my keyboard went goofy, it was adding letters and spaces all on it’s own. So after a quick visit to Amazon I have a new wireless keyboard with a channel to stand my tablet. I am back at mobile status again.

It’s Begining to Look a Lot Like……The Holidays…..Again

I can’t figure out where the year has gone! So much has happened in 2018, both good and bad. Some things are carrying over into the new year, also good and bad. I decided that the last two years I felt obligated to do Christmas. In 2016 I put up the tree because I knew it would be my last Christmas in the house. And last year I put up the tree because it was the first Christmas in my new house. This year I wanted Christmas to feel like a choice. So I have put a tree and I have tried to ‘do’ Christmas. The holidays are really tough since Robby is gone and I know they will never be the same. So this year I am starting my search for the new normal for holidays. There’s got to be a way that’s at least a little less painful.

I did some things I hadn’t done for a while, like sewing and painting. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed making things. I made a couple of aprons like my Great Grandma Clare wore. She has been on my mind a lot this Christmas. I spent a lot of time with her growing up and she taught me so many things like cooking, baking, how to wear and apron and about the power of positive thinking. I find myself missing my family this year and the realization that my family traditions end with me has left me sad.

But now with Christmas behind me, I am looking forward to New Years and the possibilities that a new year can bring.

One Year…..What a Year

Well I have survived the first year (actually almost a year and a half) in my new place. It has been quite the year, it has included my cancer recurrence, the second birthday Robby wasn’t here for, the second anniversary of his death, a failed friendship and a new relationship. I’ll start where I left off last year, I am feeling more at home here, that doesn’t mean I don’t miss the old house. I think there will always be part of me that will miss that house, so many years and so many memories!

I finished my chemotherapy and had surgery to remove the tumor. Now I am back on the three month plan with my oncologist. She believes that we are going to be in a pattern where we will find something, treat it and I will be okay for a short time. Then we will find something, treat it and I will for okay for a short time………. This time my tumor was sent for genetic testing, which revealed another issue, I am BRC-2 positive. So now I am in the high risk breast cancer program. It also puts me at risk for other various cancers. I have decided since I finished treatment that I will do all my monitoring, but I refuse to make my life all about cancer.

June is not my favorite month and this year I feel like it started in May. Of course May 30th is when my mom died, 8 years ago. Then June 5th, Robby’s birthday, kicked my butt! A very close friend from my support group came over and I shared pictures, video and stories of Robby and that felt good. Another friend came and brought cupcakes from the bakery where we always got Robby’s cake. His birthday seemed harder this year, but last year I was selling the house and moving, which provided some distraction. I know it will never be easier, but I didn’t expect it to be worse. Then there was June 11th, the anniversary of the day he died. And of course all the holidays, they are difficult, but I have made more of an effort this year to face them.

I have been working on the book a lot. I think my recurrence last year has motivated me, I really want to finish it. I feel even more excitement about the book and can’t wait to see it published. I am going to be posting more often on here. I know I have said that before, but with my renewed dedication to the book, I feel that same dedication about this blog.

Here I Go Again!!

It has been such a long time since I posted, so I will start with a couple of updates. I am in the new condo and the work is mostly done, only a few small few things left to finish. It is starting to feel like home, different but home!! I bought a wood trunk and created a space for Robby, I placed a some of his things in it. I like the fact that he has presence in the new place! The rest of his things are in 8 storage containers in my garage.

Now, for the newest development I had starting have some symptoms that concerned my oncologist before the move. She ran multiple test but couldn’t find anything. She did a lab test for my cancer marker and it was elevated, so she finally did a PET scan after the move and she found a recurrence of my cancer. So we started chemo first to try and control spreading and after my third cycle she will repeat my scan and do surgery to try to remove the cancer. As for a prognosis, well we will know more after the next scan and surgery, but it is not great. She explained that a recurrence this far out from my last chemo is considered incurable, but she wants to see if I can get at least part way back to where I have been with my cancer. She feels I may be starting a pattern where they find something and treat it, then I am ok for a short time and then they find something and they treat it………..

So I had my first chemo on July 24th and my second one was today. This has brought back so many memories, both good and bad. While I miss Robby, I am glad he doesn’t have to go through this again, I know he didn’t understand the first time and that wouldn’t be any better this time. But I also miss the nurses, not just because of the help they gave me, but I miss their support, humor and caring. I especially miss the nurse that was always there on my worst chemo days, actually I miss him all the time. But life changes and people move on and I just have to try and deal with that!

The strangest thing about all this is my anxiety hasn’t been that bad, I think it is because my doctor was so honest in the beginning about my risk for a recurrence. Don’t get me wrong I am not ok with this, and I have trouble dealing with the emotional side, but knowing this would probably happen reduced the shock factor.

The Goal???

I have, once again, gone a long time with out posting–sorry!! So much has happened, so much to deal with. Lets see, well the house is finally in escrow. I have been clear since I had to make the decision to sell the house that all this would end with me moving, that was the goal. But now that it is a reality and I have an end date I find myself not dealing well with the idea. This is the place I brought my son when he was 4 months old and for everyday of all 31 years of Robby’s life I tried to create a life here, through the good and the bad! Leave here now feels like walking away from that and Robby. Logically I know that is not true, all the memories and Robby are going with me….yes I did say Robby is going with me. I am not as crazy as that might make me sound. I believe that the people in your life that die continue to move with you, they are part of who you become in life and how would you every leave parts of yourself behind? Besides, anybody who knew Robby would know that he wouldn’t let me go far without him! I have no doubt that he is here, I can feel and sense his presence.

I am now trying to go through and clean out and go through the garage……no words to describe this ‘adventure’. I have made it clear to everyone that all of Robby’s things go with me, even if that means I have to throw everything else away!! I need to get the cleaning out part done so I can start packing…..oh my!! The move seems overwhelming, starting with finding a place to live. As of right now I have found nothing…..well nothing since the house sold! I found places while we were on the market, but of course they have sold!

Reality Bites

Well it has been another long gap between posts, life has been…..well…..insane! Usually my life is crazy, but it has reached a whole new level. Where to start….the house is still on the market. I knew it would be a difficult process to sell the house and move, but I never dreamed it would take this long to sell. The stress of this and my financial situation are really taking a toll on my health, but I just keep hoping it will be over soon.

Speaking of my health, I have been having some test done with my oncologist. I have been having some symptoms and she is trying to determine if it may be a recurrence of my cancer. I tried but can’t stress about it…..it is the one thing too many! I can’t change what happens, so I will just wait and see.

Then there is Robby….oh how I miss him! It feels like I miss him even more now. There is a huge painful void in my life and my heart, nothing can fill it and nothing can fix it. I am scared how I will deal with the anniversary of his death in June. So far I haven’t done well with any holidays, or even days like today. It was one year ago today that he was admitted to the hospital for that horrific 31 day stay that started him down the path that ended in his death. There are days when I think the pain of his loss with just consume me. I find myself want to talk with the people there that night he passed, or at least the ones still speaking to me, I feel like they understand. Most nights I still have trouble sleeping and am back sleeping most nights with the lights on, a subtle reminder of the ‘new’ reality.

Pain, Frustration and Anxiety of Selling a House

Well the day finally came, January 13th the house went on the market! It has been a difficult road to get there, there was all the work of painting, moving furniture, packing up extra things and cleaning. But the hardest part was unpacking and moving Robby’s bed to the garage, I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest! I know it is just a bed, or so people tell me. But it is such a symbol of him, that bed has seen a lot happen in the 25 years he had it. I remember the first day he got in the bed, he looked like he owned the world. It was his space and he loved it. Now it is in my garage in so many pieces along with containers of his things out of the bed and I feel shattered again!!! But now the house is on the market and there has been quite a bit of interest, but no offers yet. It’s kinda funny, I know the idea is to sell the house so I won’t lose my equity, but I really want to stay….not an option!!! So I spend my time now cleaning, missing Robby, cleaning, crying, being anxious to the point of panic attacks, cleaning, trying not to get too crazy, cleaning, being frustrated and cleaning!!

Updates and Current Events

Well it has been awhile since I posted-things have been and are pretty crazy. So, let’s see-just over two weeks ago I had emergency gallblatter surgery-that was just what I needed right now. Being inpatient at Hoag was hard, I have been there so many times with Robby. In case I didn’t remember an endless number of doctors, nurses and staff remembered me and asked how Robby was doing. I am still having pain because I am overdoing.

Sabrina and I attended a Celebration of Life Candlelight Rememberance Service at Westminster Memorial Park where Robby’s ashes are interned. It was emotional, painful and yet beautiful.

The reason I am overdoing is the deadline to have the house ready to sell is the end of this month. I can’t believe this is happening-I don’t want to move now but I haven’t found a job yet, so…. I feel like I’m going to lose another connection to Robby and even Robert-this is the last place we lived together. So I am still hoping that a job comes through in time, but it doesn’t look good.

Winding it’s way through everything is Christmas. I tried to hide from it or ignore it, it’s here. I put the tree up since this maybe the last Christmas in this house-that was painful.

On a more pleasant note I was invited to a nurse pinning ceremony by Marisol who was one of my son’s nurses. She graduated as an RN, BSN, PHN from Azusa Pacific University, so I drove to Azusa…..that was a long drive!!!

Deadlines, Complications and a View

Well I have been working hard to keep my work on track to have the house ready to sell, but once again life has changed the plan. I have been feeling the pressure since meeting with the realtor and committing to make my decision and having the house ready by the middle of December. Well my pressure went the charts on this past Friday when I was admitted to Hoag via the emergency room. I woke up that morning ok, but by later in the morning I was suddenly in so much pain. It was in the upper abdominal area and rediated around to my back, I vomited once and I laid on the bed feeling like I couldn’t move or take a breath. By late in the afternoon I got myself together enough I went to urgent care, where the doctor examined me by pushing on the areas in pain. He then told me I had to go to the ER, Oh crap-never somewhere I want to go. I went home, laid down for a few minutes, then drove myself to the ER. I was examined again, had labs and an ultrasound and then doctor told me I needed surgery to remove my gallbladder….seriously. I was admitted in the middle of the night and surgery was early Saturday morning. This is not what I needed right now!!! On a random note, I had an amazing view from my room at the hospital. So I came home late Sunday, still in a lot off pain and not moving well, I have gotten stuck in the bed more than once. So in the middle of this I had to refigure the timeframe and plan. So now the decision will be at the end off December, giving a couple of extra weeks to get the house ready, which will put it on the market the middle of January. This is another financial gamble since I only am sure I can pay the bills through the end of Febuary. But there are no other options at this point.

On a humorous note [not easy to find right now] I told a freind that now in this condition is when I will finally get a call for an interview!!!!!