The underlying theme of 2020 for me has been survival. At the beginning of the pandemic it was survival of the fittest. The search for supplies, groceries and even toilet paper was challenging, especially when balancing the search with the precautions necessary for someone immunocompromised. I was able to get creative and manage to limit some of the risk. Then there was the first stay at home orders, I saw it as an opportunity to get things done around my house, and so I was ok with it…in the beginning. But I started to feel more and more cut off from friends and life. I got restless and frustrated and sad. And then there is my agoraphobia, I normally use my social connections to keep me motivated. I am concerned, without those connections I’m worried about backsliding. A friend came up with the idea of doing distanced lunch in my garage and my infectious disease doc signed off on the idea. It was great to feel some connection again. I have had a few visits in my garage. But now it’s cold and other people’s lives are moving forward, so visits have basically stopped.
Then came the first of the holidays, I have to say since my son died holidays are tough. But nothing like 2020, I was not only missing my son, I was alone with my grief, my pain and my loss. I tried to face the holidays, I tried to honor the memories of celebrating with my son. But the more holidays there were the harder that got. I finally just started focusing on work and ignoring the actual holidays.
The isolation became so hard I finally had a conversation with my ID doctor to see if any kind of social bubble could be safe for me. We discussed the people that I know and there was only one person she felt was safe for me to do a social bubble of one with. I was so excited!! I finally had the opportunity to see this person, movie night at his house. It felt wonderful to spend time with someone, it felt normal. But the ironic thing is now that person doesn’t want to see me again, so now I am back to being alone. I did find a way to write somewhere other than home, as I have posted before, I figured out how to work in my car. But the colder weather is sure to affect that too. I have tried to stay busy, I work on the book, I work on the business, I exercise, I run my errands. Some days I feel like I just go through the motions of life.
I celebrated my birthday alone, I did try to reach out to the one person my doc approved, but that didn’t work out. It was the worse birthday I’ve ever had. Before this my worse birthday was when I was on chemo. Then Christmas came, this one has really taken me down. But it’s a combination of things, of course there’s the pandemic, the increase in cases of Covid and the isolation, but there’s also so much anger and chaos in society and life. To try and help my own sanity I started baking and painting ornaments for small gifts. I felt like I needed to try and spread some kindness and even if it didn’t help others maybe it would help me. I creatively and safely delivered bake goods and the small gifts to friends and people I thought would be receptive to my small acts of kindness. But then after I did that I was just alone again. The actual holiday was hard, but I guess I survived it.
I was feeling very alone and lost this past Saturday, so I packed my laptop and went to the park to write, but I couldn’t focus on writing. Actually I just wanted to go home, so I did. When my son was having an off day I would change things, like what we were doing. I decided to try that, so I tried to borrow some movies I’ve really wanted to see from someone, but that didn’t work out. So I ended up just crying and feeling so lost and alone. It’s been interesting, the more I open up to people about how I am doing, the less I hear from them, which makes me feel more isolated.
In the beginning of the pandemic my worse fear was getting Covid-19, I was afraid I wouldn’t survive it. My docs confirmed that, they don’t feel I would have a good outcome. But the longer we are on this journey, this curve, I feel that mentally surviving is getting harder and harder.